Nightmare King

**

Ever had one of those dreams that never seems to end, even though you're desperate for it to do so? When you wake up to turn over or go get water and slip back into sleep - you pick up right where you left off? Enter my Sunday night.

There was a fire storm (of sorts) and everything was aflame. Big buildings billowing smoke in the distance. Lit fields with odd people escaping, running blindly from the destruction. There was a noticeable and slightly unsettling lack of "emergency personnel". From the urban sprawl on the horizon emerges a large piece of machinery. Imagine a cross between a tank and the Megazord. Rather than distinct arms, it has two levels of guns. One shoots bullets as we know them, the other plastic oval discs that slice through flesh unapologetically.

Now, I'm sometime in the future, reliving my greatest nightmare. A military state. Inhumane and unhuman soldiers walk the streets. Their marching formations and uniforms are the only semblance to the military men and women I know today. These characters are more, well, beastly. Forearms the size of tree trunks. Piercing blood-red eyes. Pointed snout noses. They pace the streets, solitary or in gangs. Intimidating either way.

Keeping us apart from the street is a large bay door. It is as if none of us are aware of how we arrived. We slowly close the garage door and wait. Wait for something unfamiliar and unanticipated. Wait like we know what to expect. Wait because there is nothing else to do, but wait.

Sometime later, I am "awoken" to floating creatures, like dementors. cloaked in white. Everyone lies still, silently, frantically looking at each other - in hopes they will be missed. Forgotten. This is never the case, but we are desperate souls.

The next scene, there appears to be some normalcy, although it is a normal of which I want no part. There is a clear caste system. We are all fitted for clothing, and some women end up with ruffles and tulle and stacked layers of volume. Others are in thin linen. No one seems to know who anyone is, but depending on your attire - you were not admitted places. Think of the aristocrats shunning the ones with the Scarlet Letter or the Armband of the ghettos.

There are still armed terrorists in the streets, but now they are more like me. Less machine. Less savage. Still trained to kill without another thought. Shooting people from the street below private balconies for reasons unbeknownst. We decide to go look at relics of the past in the city square. Everything is bleak and grey, save the "vintage" automobiles in the square. People begin entering these vehicles, seemingly because they have never seen anything like it. As we start to depart, there is a loud explosion as every vehicle detonates with powerful explosives.

Suddenly, I am back where I started. Surrounded by burning fields, with a smoldering far-off city. With the shooter tank robots resuming an "order" of their own. Every creature covered in ash, smocked in fear.

Maybe this is indicative of feeling out of control of my future, or too closely watching the events in Ukraine. Maybe this is a visual representation of my fears or following the happenings in Venezuela. Maybe it was just a bad dream or a result of the countless other conflicts around the globe. Maybe none of these. Maybe all of these. Who knows what the hell it is. One thing is certain - let's all pray I'm not a prophet. ;)

Seek. Shout. Savor.

Much love, l

Recharge

Every once in awhile, even though I have no complaints - I feel desperate of a recharge. Other times, I didn't realize I needed one until it's over and I have no weight on my chest, nothing stopping the deep breaths of fresh air. How much easier it is to play the games. How much more enjoyment I take of the great things. How much less irritation I get from the awful. Saturday was that needed break for me. My Saturday started with a long trip to Dallas. I intended to see a band called Shovels & Rope on Saturday night at a venue called Trees.(Interesting fact about the venue: they generally have "hardcore" punk and rap groups. Definitely different than a folk duo from South Carolina!) One of the landmark sights on the stretch of I-45 between Houston and Dallas.

Anyway, that was my plan when I woke up Saturday morning. I ended up driving to Dallas early to see some of my favorite Americana bands at a Mardi Gras festival BEFORE the Shovels & Rope show. On my menu for the festival were: Folk Family Revival, Sam Riggs and the Night People, Mike & The Moon Pies, Six Market Blvd (who I thought had their farewell tour 3 months ago....), William Clark Green, The Damn Quails, Thieving Birds, & Uncle Lucius. Not too shabby of a lineup for a last-minute decision! To be expected, there were clear stand-outs. Also, sadly forgettable performances. One moment to be remembered is Uncle Lucius covering War Pigs. Any cover that is in a different genre is already interesting and exciting for me. Any song by Uncle Lucius is worth a listen. One word. Damn. Surreal moment - being at the Cotton Bowl with no football fans.

Fast forward to that night. I was lucky enough for the manfriend to be able to stay in Dallas after his performance that day, and go with me to Shovels & Rope. (The spontaneity of musicians is a blessing and a curse!) The show kicked off with Hurray for the Riff Raff. They were incredible. It feels honest and you're transported to a back porch, drinking a sweet tea and moonshine, watching dogs and kids play, with meat in the smoker. My kind of fun. Shovels & Rope start and that pleasant daydream continues to night. You leave with a full belly & glowing heart, smelling of campfire. Cary Ann Hearst has an incredible voice, and the musicianship of her and Michael Trent leaves little to be desired. They're folky and bluesy and raw. All things good. The performances of Hurray for the Riff Raff and Shovels & Rope were fantastic. Any opportunity to hear either band is well worth your time.

As witnessed by my personal life, music is cathartic for me. It allows me to shut my brain off and just be. Live music provides the opportunity for large groups of people to shut down together, in a community. Surrounded by like-minded strangers, prostate to the groove.

I truly hope each person on this earth knows the joys of sharing an experience with strangers. These moments are my recharges. My plug-ins to the universe. It may seem a chaotic and bass akwards way to conduct peace, but it's mine.

Be it music, art, nature, sports, meditation, worship, protest - whatever your heart desires - getting to be part of a movement greater than yourself is a worthwhile investment in one's emotional state. Or something.

Seek. Shout. Savor.

much love, l

Personality Test Success

There are so many different personality tests out there - it's crazy! Most people are familiar with Jung and Meyers-Briggs' Test. (Myers-Briggs Free Test). I see the value in this, but it is just so easy to "fake".... It is immediately apparent which answer will put you into introverted or extroverted, a thinker or a feeler, etc. I generally strive to find tests that are measured in clever ways. As someone who has researched/studied psych and personality for most of my adult life, this is more difficult than I care to admit.

UNTIL NOW.

World, meet Enneagram. You can take a free, reduced-intensity test here. Basically, there are nine types and how either answer option fits into each of the nine types does not smack you on the face with clarity. Let me assure you, it isn't convoluted at all - but it is also trickier to fake to get the result you want to hear. I ended up with "Type 2: The Nurturer". Additionally, I was a fairly close second in "Type 7: The Enthusiast". These could not be closer to the truth and I was genuinely shocked at the level of accuracy of this test.

Enneagram's charm comes from the underlying results; WHY you do what you do - not just the surface-level "what is done by you". Enneagram explained things that I have always sought. Enneagram provided words where I had none. "Soccer-Mom" is how I always thought of myself, but I don't drive a mini-van - or attend children's sporting events (nor will I ever)..... A superior word choice is the servant or the hostess. I truly derive joy from providing for others. Acknowledgement and appreciation are the two greatest gifts possibly provided to people like me. Knowing this fun fact probably would have saved me from years of arguments with roommates, partners, family members, co-workers, the list is endless!

Conversely, Enneagram nailed things that I wish weren't true. Enneagram revealed that I struggle with feelings of worthlessness. (Hold the phone. That's a real psychological breakthrough! First step is awareness, right?) Because I am a "2", people taking me for granted is reflective of myself - not that the other person is an ungrateful asshole. Rather, that I am not deserving of appreciation. Powerful. (and kind of sad!)

I look forward to the day when I can go into a job interview, or tell strangers at a party "I'm a 2", and they will immediately understand me and my motivations. Until that day, I'm going to spread the word of Enneagram, learn/discuss as much as possible of myself and those surrounding me, and engage with the world in positive bands of light.

Seek. Shout. Savor.

much love, l

Love Types

Recently, I have found myself captivated by the idea of love. Often, I find myself discussing love with various people and am surprised by the differing understandings. There are many times the differences only add to my overall experience and I am grateful. Conversely, there are times I can only wish for my grasp to influence the other's.

Given my devotion to formal education - I understand there to be six types of love. These are the categories given to social scientists by Dr. John Lee in 1973.

Eros - the love of passion; characterized by "physical acts" and romance
Storge - the love of care; characterized by similarities and friendship
Ludus - the love of gameplay; characterized by multiple partners simultaneously
Pragma - the love of logic; characterized by the desire of a common goal
Mania - the love of obsession; characterized by ownership
Agape - the love of altruism; characterized by self-sacrifice

Many of my people subscribe to just three types - eros, storge and agape. These are the meat and potatoes of traditional Christian literature. My question to each of you is - do the missing distinctions matter?

Yes. Yes they do.

Without having mania, what is unhealthy eros? Without having pragma, what is indifferent storge? Can one truly be fulfilled, living under a flawed perception of love? At its worst, people run into the dangerous trap of understanding possession as protection. At its best, people begin to falsify warmth for the kids or the cameras. What a frightening thought - unfeeling or abusive partners being given the freedom to continue - due to lack of awareness.

My hope is that each creature on this planet be given all of the TRUE storge, eros and agape ones heart can hold. Wouldn't that be a beautiful world.

Seek. Shout. Savor.

much love, l